Does having a kind heart make you weak ? It certainly seems so. I’ve always been a person who overthinks a lot even for doing the minutest of the minute chores that we all do in our routine. But, let me tell you this overthinking is definitely not about how I will be impacted with anything that I do but its about how I might effect the others around me after I do it. This overthinking has forced me to make few sacrifices that I am not proud of. This overthinking often makes me do things that I don’t want to do a majority of times. Let me tell you that this is sometimes fucking hard. To restrict yourself from something that I want with all your heart for someone else’s happiness is no ordinary thing. Yet I do it, and this is just because I am built that way. Now, with all this going around, its at least humane that others share a tiny bit of your principles and understand why you do what you do. Even if people don’t appreciate what I am doing, its very basic for it to not make any statements that hurt me. But, nah! the world is pretty dumb in understanding what I do. It keeps hurling these sharp edged knives at me that constantly keep on hurting until I have bled that pain’s worth out. All these years, I’ve always thought that, the world may do this to me but maybe it does not mean any offence at all. As I’ve already mentioned in the start that I overthink a lot, may be this overthinking is a disease that the world is free of. Maybe its me that should learn from the world and not the other way around. I don’t know. I try to learn but I can by no means live that carefree and joyful life that others are living. I know I’m depressed, I know I am a loner yet I am a good person. Why should the world be that the way it is ? Why should it constantly keep pricking me with its deeds ? Should I change? Or will the world change ? Am I wrong or am I right ? Am I drunk ? Yes! But, booze is what that helps me think ? Err, overthink! I sometimes imagine how I’d be if I was like the rest if them ? How differently my life would have shaped up had I not made those sacrifices? Maybe I would have been happier ? But, maybe this happiness would have been at the expense of others’ pain. I don’t know. And bottoms up…
Why have I become like this ?
Sullen, depressed and devoid of any bliss!
All I do is drink and cry,
Always wondering if these eyes ever dry.
Oh, what did I even do ?
To get repeatedly mauled black and blue.
Ah, my mind is numb, I can’t even write,
My heavy heart is aching under this twisting writhe.
Fighting alone in this lonely battle,
I am bruised very bad, my ears just prattle.
Oh, don’t do this to me ?
O’ life listen to me, set me free.
Please, I am done with fighting with you,
What can I do to start afresh and new ?
With each day becoming very very dark,
I just don’t know what to do, there is no way I can disembark.
Come and get me,
O’life please just set me free.
Do you still call me a house ?
I sure resemble like one.
I have the foundation and I have the shape.
I surely stand up strong and straight.
Yet, something is still missing.
Is it the roof ?
Oh yes, its destroyed.
Is it the walls ?
Indeed, they are hollow.
How about the windows ?
Phew! are you kidding me!
Each day I am scorched by the sun,
Some days I am drenched by the rain.
And on some, the wind seems to be harsh.
But, every day I am overwhelmed by my best buddy.
My pain, to stand there just alone.
My pain, of living a purposeless life.
My pain, to not be able to shelter anyone.
My pain, to never give anyone a wee bit of happiness.
Yet, I have to stand.
I really don’t know why.
Maybe, I was destined to.
Maybe, I am forced to.
But, do I want to ?
I don’t know.
Nevertheless, I am still a house.
I shall stand.
In a hope that someone would build those walls.
In a hope that my roof will be fixed.
But, deep inside, I know that I can never be a house.
I simply fade away,
Everyday, I just rot and decay.
With a battered body and a charred soul,
My heart gets sucked into this giant black hole.
Sometimes I feel the pain engulf me,
It just seems so overwhelming, there’s no one to hear my plea.
I suddenly gasp for air while I struggle to breathe,
I don’t know if anything can save me, not even a sip from river Lethe.
I try to fight myself out of it,
But every time I reach over, I again get dragged into the same pit.
There is neither any medicine nor any cure,
I just need to live like this, I’ll just have to inure.
I don’t know if I can ever have some glee,
I don’t know if ‘I’ can ever become a we.
I don’t know if I can ever live again,
Soon I will not know anything except this beastly pain.
Meet this friend of mine – I named her ‘the Bitch’. She has a special space in my room and life. I’ve planted her at a place where she is the first thing that I see as soon as I wake up and of course the last non fictional visual that I see every night. She just stands there merrily laughing all the time. Now, this laugh is not something that cheers you up whenever you are down. This laugh is not even something that pushes you to strive hard and fill happiness in your life. This laugh is something that the Bitch renders to mock the shit out of you. Just give it one more glance and you can clearly understand what I mean.
Now, for a person whose life is filled full of tragedies, its not uncommon to stay depressed, isolated and drunk all the time. That shit is fine. I can take it (err..I must say accustomed to it). But mockery ?? Why? Hasn’t life thrown me enough punches already ? Hasn’t fate already kicked me in the balls multiple times now ? You might think, “why the fuck do you keep it around”. Simple, because I have to and its just to remind me how fucked up my life is (I don’t know why I just let out a chuckle while writing this line). And why do I need to remind myself of this? Because I need to put on the same fucking mask of happiness every time I face someone. A mask that lets me go unnoticed, lets me earn a salary and of course lets me be perceived as normal.
Before the Bitch came into my life, I was sad. And after it did, I still am sad. But, the dark difference the Bitch made was that I began to laugh at my sadness. I know this ain’t normal. But, I stopped being one a long time ago. As of now, my hate-love for it is unparalleled what so ever. And if ever I turn my life around, the very first thing that I’d do is to mock the Bitch back in its face and tear it neck down with my own hands.
Tonight I drink.
I drink until I forget,
I drink until I live.
Until the very last drop,
No I would not even consider to stop.
One glass at a time,
Maybe a bottle at once ?
Let my stomach drown in the bitterness,
Let my brain stop being mine,
Let the booze flow in my veins,
Tonight I forget.
I forget all the past,
I forget what the future holds,
Right now I drink.
I drink for myself,
Selfishly all to myself,
Oh, I deserve every bit of this.
The doc said not to,
My parents said not to,
Yet I want to.
This is what I want,
And for once I will take what I want.
Yes, I drink tonight,
Without any hint of the slightest fright,
Fuck my conscience! let it take its flight,
Tonight there wont be any light.
I’ll savor every bit of it,
Tonight I strengthen my grit.
I ain’t saying cheers,
I ain’t sharing with my peers,
This is all mine,
Let there be no boundary line.
Tonight I finish it all,
Let my soul take its deepest fall.
TONIGHT I DRINK!
Moments of loneliness are good. Nah, they are great. They give you time to look deep into yourself and stare into that deep oblivion where your real self is hiding against the pressures of the society and its people. So in this episode of my loneliness I asked myself “What do I want ? Is it money ? Nah! Is it women ? Never! Is it fame? Maybe a bit. But what do I really want ? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!”
I really wonder if anyone really does. I see people putting up their smiling faces, partying hard, dating , breaking up and what not. But, I bet most of these people witness a void for at least a few seconds before they go to sleep everyday ( PS: Mine’s a void the entire day – a story for some other time). If you ask someone about what they really want, most of them come up with some random sarcastic answer and then brush the question away. Again, I strongly believe its only the fear of not knowing (or knowing something bad) that makes them avoid such questions. Some say life is a pursuit of happiness. But, whats the point in living if you cant realize absolute happiness while you live. The point here is if this pursuit of yours has no end, then it only means that you cannot get what you want in your lifetime! So, in this perspective of “life is a pursuit of happiness” you know what you want, but its very likely that you will never get it. How sad! What if its something like, you can never really achieve absolute happiness but can only realize happiness in bits and pieces. Now, my line of work(employment) is complicated. Lots of research, analysis and insights. But even though I crack tough challenges everyday I still face that void within me. I had a serious medical condition lately which I realized after I puked blood! I had a tube stuck into my stomach for endoscopy, killed the virus in my stomach, got cured in my lone battle ( I never informed all this to anyone). When the doctor said that I was cured, its a momentary relief. But, I am still battling with this huge void. So even when you battle your way through life and death and win, its still nothing near to realizing what you want in life.
Had I had something to hold on to, would that something be what I really wanted ? Hmm, maybe! But, now there is nothing that I hold on to or look forward for either. What now ? What else can I possibly want ? To love ? No. To be loved ? Argghh I don’t know. I will never know. Maybe some day some one will give me an answer. Maybe I will never know the answer. Maybe a drink is all we need to forget asking our selves about what we want..!