What do you want ?


Moments of loneliness are good. Nah, they are great. They give you time to look deep into yourself and stare into that deep oblivion where your real self is hiding against the pressures of the society and its people. So in this episode of my loneliness I asked myself  “What do I want ? Is it money ? Nah! Is it women ? Never! Is it fame? Maybe a bit. But what do I really want ? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!”

I really wonder if anyone really does. I see people putting up their smiling faces, partying hard, dating , breaking up and what not. But, I bet most of these people witness a void for at least a few seconds before they go to sleep everyday ( PS: Mine’s a void the entire day – a story for some other time). If you ask someone about what they really want, most of them come up with some random sarcastic answer and then brush the question away. Again, I strongly believe its only the fear of not knowing (or knowing something bad) that makes them avoid such questions. Some say life is a pursuit of happiness. But, whats the point in living if you cant realize absolute happiness while you live. The point here is if this pursuit of yours has no end, then it only means that you cannot get what you want in your lifetime! So, in this perspective of “life is a pursuit of happiness” you know what you want, but its very likely that you will never get it. How sad! What if its something like, you can never really achieve absolute happiness but can only realize happiness in bits and pieces. Now, my line of work(employment) is complicated. Lots of research, analysis and insights. But even though I crack tough challenges everyday I still face that void within me. I had a serious medical condition lately which I realized after I puked blood! I had a tube stuck into my stomach for endoscopy, killed the virus in my stomach, got cured in my lone battle ( I never informed all this to anyone). When the doctor said that I was cured, its a momentary relief. But, I am still battling with this huge void. So even when you  battle your way through life and death and win, its still nothing near to realizing what you want in life.

Had I had something to hold on to, would that something be what I really wanted ? Hmm, maybe! But, now there is nothing that I hold on to or look forward for either. What now ? What else can I possibly want ? To love ? No. To be loved ? Argghh I don’t know. I will never know.  Maybe some day some one will give me an answer. Maybe I will never know the answer. Maybe a drink is all we need to forget asking our selves about what we want..!

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