The special day..


Today is special. Special because it marks an end to the quest of something unachievable in my life. It also marks a new start to that something unacheivable too. So, let me tell you how I’ve celebrated this special day.

I woke up at 7:00 AM in the morning, just after a 3 hour sleep. I quickly changed into my tracks and went for a jog – just like everyday. But, today was special. How could I just jog ? So I ran. I ran so fast that I forgot to breathe for sometime. I ran so fast that, my heart was tearing apart, lungs were running out of life and my body sweating with all the alcohol I drank until 3 hours before this. Yet, I ran. I ran until I felt dizzy. Until I was just about to collapse. Then I stopped. It was only because I reached the lakeside nearby. With tears rolling down, I walked closer to the lake. I looked over the horizon, only to look back into all those beautiful memories that I made. Memories so beautiful, that I had to let out a slight chuckle even when my body was all sweating and my heart pounding incessantly. A truck’s horn brought me back into the real world. My real world. A world which is now completely void of any happiness. A world which is open to only a select few, who still had no clue of where I live within it. Now this transition from those memories to the reality was harsh. My heart rate increased, not because of the running, but because of all the pain the real world brought onto me. My tears now didn’t even take a break. This quest of mine that I told you about in the beginning is about to end today. I had to accept that it has to end today. I tried to cry all of this down. Nah I couldn’t. I just hoped this quest of mine won’t bother me once again. But, deep down within I knew I can never overcome this. Now, what else is left of me ? I drink almost everyday, I cannot smile heartily anymore, I am devoid of all the happiness and I am alone. I know I cannot ever be successful in my quest from now on, yet I can only merely TRY to end it, but I know I cannot.

All the lies I’ve told. All the emotions I’ve withheld and all the pain that I’ve caused will end today. But, I know those beautiful memories will always come and haunt me everyday. I hope I can shelter my heart away from all this. I hope I can hold on to some reverie that will help me cope. I don’t know what to write anymore. I don’t know if I’ll write anymore. Only thing I know is a world full of pain, suffering and loneliness that only I live in. I wish my something unachievable can forgive me for giving up. I wish it will understand my pain someday. I wish..

The Coward..


I’ve given myself a new name today. Mr. Coward. A name which was always written on my forehead. A name which described the most private and the most obscure part of myself. For all the lies I’ve told and for all the promises that I’ve broken, if there is one word that describes me the most. I’d say Mr. Coward is the best of the best.

What do you do when you have something precious in your hands; ‘something’ so very precious that normally takes years of struggle and sacrifice to have ? You treasure it! You try to save it with all the might that you have. You nurture it like its your very own part of your body and soul. I had ‘something’ like that. ‘Something’ that I confided in. ‘Something’ which I gave all my heart to in my submission. Now, a normal person would try his best to hang on to this ‘something’. Forever. He would try in all his capacity to not let anyone or anything hurt that ‘something’ even in his dream. That’s not me. That’s only for a normal person. But, for a man who has lived his life in obscurity, for a man who always kept an infinite spectrum of his emotions to himself, this is not the same. When a heart becomes a locker for too many hidden things which were never brought out, it slowly looses it capacity to withhold anything new in it. You feel weak. You feel petrified even to entertain something to enter that heart. Yet, I gave the ‘something’ a chance. This ‘something’ was something that I had always yearned for. A hand to hold on to. A dream worth living for. And I must say, as much as a stone hearted ass I was, the ‘something’ dug its way into this stone. It spread to every corner of the stone. It literally kicked out all the memories of pain into their own perdition. Ecstasy ruled over me. I was happy. The old memories of pain though they left my heart, I knew, somewhere they were waiting to make their way in. Now, they are strong aren’t they. Not days or months, they were etched onto me for nearly 20 years of my life. They were strong enough to paralyze my heart temporarily to let themselves in. And thus began the memories’ quest for revenge. They took a new form of emotion. Namely the ‘Cowardice’. The new form, a baby, made its little steps into my heart. It stayed there feeding on the tons of happiness my little ‘something’ brought on to me. This cowardice being a parasite that it is, took away my ‘something’ before I could even realize it fully. It sucked the life out of me and my ‘something’. It grew fast. Like a fat, big and dangerous monster. It said , ‘ Hey you! you don’t deserve all this! you’ll loose it all someday’. Nah, this was just a panic attack. At least this was what I had thought it to be. I was wrong. This cowardice, the child of the freckled memories of my past took over my heart. It was ruling me so harshly, that it threatened me each and everyday of my life since it grew of age. It constantly rang ‘ you don’t deserve this, you suck!’. It made me lie. It made me break all my promises. It said run away from all this. It said, you fear the commitment. It said you’ll hurt everyone you love. Oh, it was all very overwhelming. So overwhelming, that I lost myself while all this was happening. I grew weak in my spine. I grew weak in my knees. I grew weak in my will to hang on to my ‘something’. I grew weak to be me. I left it out. I succumbed to my cowardice. I told myself that I am not fit for anything. I told myself that I cannot commit anything to anyone. So I ran. I ran away so far that no one can find me. I ran so hard that my pain in my legs overshadowed the pain in my heart. My cowardice made me run away from my promises. My cowardice changed my life into a living hell. Let me tell you something, even while I’m typing this, my cowardice is still dictating what all should I write, for there is so much that I’ve hidden from the people that I love that, revealing all of it now will hurt them more (Says my cowardice, not me! aye aye master).

Now I’m a no one. A man without anything to hold on to. A man with no purpose. A man depressed, repressed and sullen! A man who cannot promise anymore. A man who can never involve himself in any commitment. A man who is afraid even to make a new friend. A man who has his own world of emotions that will never see light. A man who has succumbed to vices. A man called, ‘The Coward’.

If the poorest man in the world is someone who doesn’t have anyone to whom he can bare his soul to, then I am that poorest man of the world. And bottoms up..!

Do you still call me a house?


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Do you still call me a house ? 

I sure resemble like one.

I have the foundation and I have the shape.

I surely stand up strong and straight.

Yet, something is still missing.

Is it the roof ?

Oh yes, its destroyed.

Is it the walls ?

Indeed, they are hollow.

How about the windows ?

Phew! are you kidding me!

Each day I am scorched by the sun,

Some days I am drenched by the rain.

And on some, the wind seems to be harsh.

But, every day I am overwhelmed by my best buddy.

My pain.

My pain, to stand there just alone.

My pain, of living a purposeless life.

My pain, to not be able to shelter anyone.

My pain, to never give anyone a wee bit of happiness.

Yet, I have to stand.

I really don’t know why.

Maybe, I was destined to.

Maybe, I am forced to.

But, do I want to ?

I don’t know. 

Nevertheless, I am still a house.

I shall stand.

In a hope that someone would build those walls.

In a hope that my roof will be fixed.

But, deep inside, I know that I can never be a house.

 

The Voodoo Doll of Loneliness



It follows me everywhere,

Through the day and night.

Its devlish smirks all over the air,

Triggering an anxiety and a ghastly fright.

 

It never ceases to overwhelm,

It never ceases to stand down.

Even the smallest moments of elation,

Are ripped apart and yes I begin to drown.

 

Forgive me oh dear lord,

I know I have sinned.

Years of plodding in the desert of penance,

I’m already half torn, already skinned.

 

Yet, you still seek my retribution,

But why don’t you for once call a truce?

Didn’t you ever hear about absolution?

Oh for once let me unloose.

 

You threw me away miles away from my home,

Yet, your revenge plot never comes to an end.

So how much more should I aimlessly roam?

I am fed up, the pain made my heart distend.

 

I have now understood that It shall never leave me,

And thus I gave it a name.

‘The voodoo doll of loneliness’, shall never let me free,

For I am the only pawn in thee game.

The Poltroon!


 

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I wake up everyday for a new beginning,

Yet I end up sleeping afore the same dead end.

I wish I could regain my lost happiness,

Yet all I can do is to only pretend.

 

With all the unattended sorrows in my heart,

With my soul plowed wide open by a gut wrenching pain,

Each and every moment seems a fey challenge,

Yet, all I can do is to only weep within, I can’t even complain!

 

I writhe in this agony, I want to scream,

So I let out my hand to someone.

Nah! I now realize I am alone in this sordid battle,

All I can do is to just build my rage and run!

 

I search for an excuse to let out my tears,

I juts remembered my eyes have dried out, Oh its been years!

Overwhelmed, I realized I have even forgotten to breathe,

I loose myself completely, both my body and its beneath.

 

Oh please lift me out of this mess,

I need to live my life again.

I want to smile and feel happy for once,

Nah! Once again all my pleas go in vain.

 

And again, I wake up everyday for a new beginning,

Yet I end up sleeping afore the same dead end.

I wish I could regain my lost happiness,

Yet all I can do is to only pretend.

 

Note: Image Source: Google Images.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Man in the Sea..


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He was a helpless man drifting in the seas,

Thriving on ‘hope’ , to see the land and its trees.

Without any food nor any sleep,

All he could do was to sit down and weep.

Continue reading “The Man in the Sea..”

The Fearful Fate..


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It has been a rough past few years,

In a pursuit, to overcome all my fears.

Those fears which shook me awake from my sleep,

And the very fears which made me secretly weep.

Yet, they still seem to overwhelm me,

Maybe they ‘LOVE’ me so much to let me free.

Ah, the word – ‘LOVE’ , now I know the reason,

This was always about that very treason.

A treason, that left them heart broken,

A treason that left them clueless and unspoken.

But, did anyone ask how did I feel committing it ?

Oh please do, for it was for your own good that I fell in that infernal pit.

Each day, I put on a very tight veil,

A veil that portrays happiness and masks my wail.

This veil again is a reminder of my fears,

Oh no, if it breaks loose it’ll expose all my tears.

I wish I could live with at least a wee bit of glee,

For a few moments to be fearless and free.

I wish there comes a day in my life,

Where I can sing an end to this internal strife.

Oh, I shall wait,

However long it might be, for I know that’s my unavoidable fate.