The Swollen Vocal Chords


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48 hours. It has been 48 effing hours that I spoke two full sentences. The problem – swollen vocal cords. I cannot utter a single word without going hoarse in the end. And what caused the problem ? Throat infection and of course my very bad drinking habits.

Absolute voice rest was suggested by my doctor and also a strict caution that I might loose my voice if I didn’t do so. But these 48 hours have been the most treacherous and yet at the same time the most well spent time that I had in a long time. 48 hours of self introspection, learning and of course with a few daily dosages of writhing pain deep in the heart ( not another medical condition though ).

There were a few realizations that I had in this period :

  1. No one ever cares for you like your parents do. However close a friend might be or your spouse/girlfriend might be.
  2. Don’t expect anything from anybody. As an adult, you are on your own.
  3. Don’t drink too much.
  4. Being mum for a long time is effing effing hard.

People, especially people who are the prospective passing clouds in your life shall only use you when they want to and they’d never bat an eye to do anything but pursue their own interests irrespective of what you need from them. Now, to the big question – How do you identify who are the passing clouds ? The answer is simple, you can’t and that’s where you once again read point 2: “Don’t expect anything from anybody. As an adult, you are on your own ” Having expectations is an utter waste of your mental time and trust me its not worth it. Its only your parents who care for you from the bottom of your heart and no one else comes even nearly close to that love.

Now, for a person who is heartbroken for some reasons needs to drink. He needs to drink to get rid of his memories, to get rid of fears. But sometimes, the after effects include swollen vocal cords followed by hours of utter silence. Trust me, that is very bad. If you still can’t do without a drink, get situated near an ENT specialist. Saves a lot of time.

I shall continue my silent struggle of keeping strict silence even tomorrow or at least do another blog post once i get some more wisdom from yet another dose of self introspection. Oh god, I don’t want to sound like a Godzilla anymore. PEACE!

 

 

The Fearful Fate..


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It has been a rough past few years,

In a pursuit, to overcome all my fears.

Those fears which shook me awake from my sleep,

And the very fears which made me secretly weep.

Yet, they still seem to overwhelm me,

Maybe they ‘LOVE’ me so much to let me free.

Ah, the word – ‘LOVE’ , now I know the reason,

This was always about that very treason.

A treason, that left them heart broken,

A treason that left them clueless and unspoken.

But, did anyone ask how did I feel committing it ?

Oh please do, for it was for your own good that I fell in that infernal pit.

Each day, I put on a very tight veil,

A veil that portrays happiness and masks my wail.

This veil again is a reminder of my fears,

Oh no, if it breaks loose it’ll expose all my tears.

I wish I could live with at least a wee bit of glee,

For a few moments to be fearless and free.

I wish there comes a day in my life,

Where I can sing an end to this internal strife.

Oh, I shall wait,

However long it might be, for I know that’s my unavoidable fate.

 

 

The tiny little bird!


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(image courtesy: Google)

There was a bird, so very little,

In its nest away from a world so very brittle.

It had its mother, it had its father,

No trouble, no fear, nothing to bother.

It came of age, it learnt to fly,

It grew strong, it sailed through the sky.

It has to now leave its abode,

Said the wicked rules of the worldly code.

Why? why did it have to do this ?

It is its life after all, why is it pushed into this deep abyss ?

Stay strong it constantly recalled,

It tried to blend in , yet it was blocked and walled.

Evil laughters, pernicious minds,

Everything ever pure is now hidden behind the blinds.

Yet, it tried to stay calm,

Oh yes, all it could do was to stay aplomb.

It woke up each day with a void in its heart,

It couldn’t stay away from its loved ones, Oh! they were a world apart.

No one to talk to, no one to share,

It suffered each second, but does anyone care ?

It wanted to go back, it wanted to reminisce its past,

That’s impossible, the worldly code was overwhelmingly vast.

It only prayed for a good friend,

The loneliness was slowly getting to it, happiness is now getting tough for it to pretend.

A pain that stays…forever!


A pain that that kills,

A guilt that grills,

A feeling that pierces through,

An emotion that no one ever knew.

Was it a mistake or was it a sacrifice,

Was it a virtue or was it a vice ,

Without any clue here I am paying the price,

Writhing alone in this painful paradise.

I wish I could change all of this,

I wish I could restore the happiness, restore the bliss,

I wish I could seek light from this never ending abyss,

I wish I could just relive and reminisce.

 

A Confession..


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A tired body, a tired soul,

Is now writing this with no destined goal.

He never laughed, he never smiled,

He always pretended to, but inside he cried.

The pain he bore never seemed to fade,

He wanted to tell her that he never betrayed.

They once loved each other and were never apart,

Each of those memories still fresh and pounding his heart.

He made her laugh , he made her cry,

She bared her soul to him, for him she was ready to die.

Not even the farthest of the distances separated them,

For, their breath was one, oh their relationship was a gem.

But, one day he then came to realize,

His ship would very soon break and begin to capsize.

He wanted to protect her,

He let her go, oh ,his brain began to blur.

Coward- they all called him,

But he was only a sucker for love, not his  happiness nor his whim.

His heart now bore a gaping hole,

Pain oozing out , the loneliness took its toll.

He still abides by what he had done,

He still wants her to go away, he wanted her happy and having fun.

For her he will forever stay,

All he wanted to do was to yell that he never did betray. 

A lost addiction..


Its been ages that I have sat down to write ,

The dearest hobby that I had which made my every scary night very bright.

Each and every day I try to set the things right ,

But never found any solace ,not even slight.

What should I do to get my courage back,

Did I still have it in me to write and get back on track ?

Each and every second now started making a violent whack ,

Oh god, please spare me some light for the night is awfully black.

“Just stay calm!” ordered my aching heart,

That’s right I thought, thinking too much would only tear me apart,

All I needed was to get a proper start,

For, my rage never dies neither does my art.

My heart has now agreed to sign a pact,

That only if I write , it shall hold me intact,

Now my fears slowly started loosing their impact,

Oh god  just let me write, I have already lost in love and you have nothing left  in me to detract.

My paradise..!


My place was once a paradise,

A place of blooming flowers and the brightest sunrise.

I heard the birds sing, I saw the children smile,

Purity everywhere, nothing evil nor anything wile.

A tight bond was always present,

May it be a bonding by blood, or a bond of friendliness just from another god-sent.

Happiness was all around,

People being content with their lot, never any greed and no one crossing the bound.

Women were widely respected,they were treated divine,

There was never any chauvinism, never did She have to whine.

Rulers were altruistic, they were always humane,

Peace and prosperity flourished,there never was any autocratic feign.

This was my land, my home, my paradise,

But, now its all changed,its an epidemy of evil that prevails, vile laughs and internal cries.

All the glory is now lost,

 Gluttony everywhere, hearts no more benevolent,they are cold and they are frost.

The flowers no longer bore a smile,

Sorcery prevailed, people and friends started to beguile.

All the purity now gone astray,

Happiness deserted the streets, it is cannibalism everywhere with people ready to slay.

The Women are no more paid any respect,

They are brutally raped,killed,their uteruses thrown away, the ethics now wrecked.

A ruler- no more is a leader,

All he cares is money and position,never did he attend to any bleeder.

All the bonds are now broken,

No one to give a helping hand nor to soothe a pain unspoken.

Its now a new world all of a sudden,

A new world- always very dark, always painfully sullen.

My land is no more a paradise,

Neither will the flowers bloom nor will there be any bright sunrise.

This poem is dedicated to the society that I live in, in fact a society which we all live in.The poem is a result of a outrage that occurred within me on knowing about a brutal rape on a 23 year old in my country (India). The girl pleaded, “Mom, I want to live!” during her brave battle with death for nearly 15 days and later took her final breath due to severe damage within the internal organs.I see articles on brutal rapes and assaults on women nearly every morning in the newspapers.My country also witnessed the biggest scams ever that were made by the politicians which accounted for huge sums of money that would wipe out the poverty of the whole world.  Yet,justice was never brought out afore people. Neither in the case of those scamsters nor to the young girl. The rapists are safe and secure in highly facilitated prisons, so are the politicians resting in their air conditioned rooms boasting about ruling 1.2 billion people. This is the society I live in.This is about my country,my home land-India.

P.S : If at all you are a foreigner, please don’t ever come to India. Its a mess in here. The heritage and fame that this country holds is restricted to the books only.

And, I ain’t protesting against any system or any thing. I find no point in doing so. Its only about all those flurry of thoughts that I felt within me!