Does having a kind heart make you weak ? It certainly seems so. I’ve always been a person who overthinks a lot even for doing the minutest of the minute chores that we all do in our routine. But, let me tell you this overthinking is definitely not about how I will be impacted with anything that I do but its about how I might effect the others around me after I do it. This overthinking has forced me to make few sacrifices that I am not proud of. This overthinking often makes me do things that I don’t want to do a majority of times. Let me tell you that this is sometimes fucking hard. To restrict yourself from something that I want with all your heart for someone else’s happiness is no ordinary thing. Yet I do it, and this is just because I am built that way. Now, with all this going around, its at least humane that others share a tiny bit of your principles and understand why you do what you do. Even if people don’t appreciate what I am doing, its very basic for it to not make any statements that hurt me. But, nah! the world is pretty dumb in understanding what I do. It keeps hurling these sharp edged knives at me that constantly keep on hurting until I have bled that pain’s worth out. All these years, I’ve always thought that, the world may do this to me but maybe it does not mean any offence at all. As I’ve already mentioned in the start that I overthink a lot, may be this overthinking is a disease that the world is free of. Maybe its me that should learn from the world and not the other way around. I don’t know. I try to learn but I can by no means live that carefree and joyful life that others are living. I know I’m depressed, I know I am a loner yet I am a good person. Why should the world be that the way it is ? Why should it constantly keep pricking me with its deeds ? Should I change? Or will the world change ? Am I wrong or am I right ? Am I drunk ? Yes! But, booze is what that helps me think ? Err, overthink! I sometimes imagine how I’d be if I was like the rest if them ? How differently my life would have shaped up had I not made those sacrifices? Maybe I would have been happier ? But, maybe this happiness would have been at the expense of others’ pain. I don’t know. And bottoms up…
Do you still call me a house ?
I sure resemble like one.
I have the foundation and I have the shape.
I surely stand up strong and straight.
Yet, something is still missing.
Is it the roof ?
Oh yes, its destroyed.
Is it the walls ?
Indeed, they are hollow.
How about the windows ?
Phew! are you kidding me!
Each day I am scorched by the sun,
Some days I am drenched by the rain.
And on some, the wind seems to be harsh.
But, every day I am overwhelmed by my best buddy.
My pain, to stand there just alone.
My pain, of living a purposeless life.
My pain, to not be able to shelter anyone.
My pain, to never give anyone a wee bit of happiness.
Yet, I have to stand.
I really don’t know why.
Maybe, I was destined to.
Maybe, I am forced to.
But, do I want to ?
I don’t know.
Nevertheless, I am still a house.
I shall stand.
In a hope that someone would build those walls.
In a hope that my roof will be fixed.
But, deep inside, I know that I can never be a house.
He was a helpless man drifting in the seas,
Thriving on ‘hope’ , to see the land and its trees.
Without any food nor any sleep,
All he could do was to sit down and weep.
48 hours. It has been 48 effing hours that I spoke two full sentences. The problem – swollen vocal cords. I cannot utter a single word without going hoarse in the end. And what caused the problem ? Throat infection and of course my very bad drinking habits.
Absolute voice rest was suggested by my doctor and also a strict caution that I might loose my voice if I didn’t do so. But these 48 hours have been the most treacherous and yet at the same time the most well spent time that I had in a long time. 48 hours of self introspection, learning and of course with a few daily dosages of writhing pain deep in the heart ( not another medical condition though ).
He held my hand, he made me walk,
He taught me words and made me talk.
He was an angel, a hero in disguise
He showed me life, he made me wise.
He made he happy, he made me smile,
He never rated anything more and for that he walked that extra mile.
He never asked anything back from me,
He was unconditional, his love was always free.
He was hurting inside, he didn’t want me to leave,
He just bore a fake smile, he didn’t want me to grieve.
He couldn’t walk away, he couldn’t let me go,
He controlled himself, he never let anything show
He couldn’t stay like this, he couldn’t sleep at night,
He was waiting for my return, he kept praying to God to allow him my sight.
He wanted to talk to me, he hesitated to call,
He didn’t want to disturb, he continued to wrawl.
He never knew that I was coming back,
He was still waiting for me, unaware of my track.
He then saw me at his door, he suddenly froze,
He had tears in his eyes, all his lost spirits now arose.
He came running, he hugged me tight,
His wailing heart was now happy, he never again wanted to let me go not even slight .
He never knew my love for him, he never asked me for it,
He still always loved me and that’s how it seemed him fit.
He is my dad!
PS: If you are reading this please take a moment of your life to reflect upon everything that your parents have sacrificed for your happiness. No love is more purer that the love shown by your parents towards you and to acknowledge that is the least that we can do.
Its been ages that I have sat down to write ,
The dearest hobby that I had which made my every scary night very bright.
Each and every day I try to set the things right ,
But never found any solace ,not even slight.
What should I do to get my courage back,
Did I still have it in me to write and get back on track ?
Each and every second now started making a violent whack ,
Oh god, please spare me some light for the night is awfully black.
“Just stay calm!” ordered my aching heart,
That’s right I thought, thinking too much would only tear me apart,
All I needed was to get a proper start,
For, my rage never dies neither does my art.
My heart has now agreed to sign a pact,
That only if I write , it shall hold me intact,
Now my fears slowly started loosing their impact,
Oh god just let me write, I have already lost in love and you have nothing left in me to detract.