The Swollen Vocal Chords

48 hours. It has been 48 effing hours that I spoke two full sentences. The problem – swollen vocal cords. I cannot utter a single word without going hoarse in the end. And what caused the problem ? Throat infection and of course my very bad drinking habits.

Absolute voice rest was suggested by my doctor and also a strict caution that I might loose my voice if I didn’t do so. But these 48 hours have been the most treacherous and yet at the same time the most well spent time that I had in a long time. 48 hours of self introspection, learning and of course with a few daily dosages of writhing pain deep in the heart ( not another medical condition though ).

There were a few realizations that I had in this period :

1. No one ever cares for you like your parents do. However close a friend might be or your spouse/girlfriend might be.
2. Don’t expect anything from anybody. As an adult, you are on your own.
3. Don’t drink too much.
4. Being mum for a long time is effing effing hard.

People, especially people who are the prospective passing clouds in your life shall only use you when they want to and they’d never bat an eye to do anything but pursue their own interests irrespective of what you need from them. Now, to the big question – How do you identify who are the passing clouds ? The answer is simple, you can’t and that’s where you once again read point 2: “Don’t expect anything from anybody. As an adult, you are on your own ” Having expectations is an utter waste of your mental time and trust me its not worth it. Its only your parents who care for you from the bottom of your heart and no one else comes even nearly close to that love.

Now, for a person who is heartbroken for some reasons needs to drink. He needs to drink to get rid of his memories, to get rid of fears. But sometimes, the after effects include swollen vocal cords followed by hours of utter silence. Trust me, that is very bad. If you still can’t do without a drink, get situated near an ENT specialist. Saves a lot of time.

I shall continue my silent struggle of keeping strict silence even tomorrow or at least do another blog post once i get some more wisdom from yet another dose of self introspection. Oh god, I don’t want to sound like a Godzilla anymore. PEACE!

 

 

The Cruel World..

In a world which cared for its own,

He cared for others, the selfish and the lone.

In a world which mauled the weak,

He brought strength and helped them speak.

But, was there any one to care for Him ?

Anyone to share his sorrows or his whim ?

Never! He was always alone,

Bearing all the pain on a bruising throne.

He always bore a smile on his lips,

He let the world make its move, always behind the eclipse.

With an ailing heart and trembling soul,

He was shattered within after falling in this ever burning bloody hole.

Can He ever be happy again ?

Will someone ease him off his pain ?

Nah! again as the world wanted Him to do, He abrogated everything and : 

In a world which cared for its own,

He cared for others, the selfish and the lone.

 

A Curse!

 

Unspoken words and untraveled roads,

Fill my life,  with a grief worth loads.

Living through the day and weeping through the night,

I drank too much, Oh, not even that can save me from this plight.

I wish I can get back that happy part of me,

For, I’d hold it so tight and never let it free.

But,TIME, Oh you heartless devil,

I know for a fact that you shall never let me revel.

I know my sin, I know my curse,

I hurt her so bad, I was perverse.

But,TIME, Oh you heartless devil,

You never let me change that, you leave me at my peril.

I only wish I had the power,

To turn you back to that joyful hour.

Is there anything else that I should bribe you with ?

I bore enough, with a gut wrenching pain herewith.

Why can’t you give me one single chance ?

To cry  my heart out and feel a happy trance.

Writing this with a heavy heart and a teary eye,

I can do nothing else than heave a big sigh.

 

The tiny little bird!

(image courtesy: Google)

There was a bird, so very little,

In its nest away from a world so very brittle.

It had its mother, it had its father,

No trouble, no fear, nothing to bother.

It came of age, it learnt to fly,

It grew strong, it sailed through the sky.

It has to now leave its abode,

Said the wicked rules of the worldly code.

Why? why did it have to do this ?

It is its life after all, why is it pushed into this deep abyss ?

Stay strong it constantly recalled,

It tried to blend in , yet it was blocked and walled.

Evil laughters, pernicious minds,

Everything ever pure is now hidden behind the blinds.

Yet, it tried to stay calm,

Oh yes, all it could do was to stay aplomb.

It woke up each day with a void in its heart,

It couldn’t stay away from its loved ones, Oh! they were a world apart.

No one to talk to, no one to share,

It suffered each second, but does anyone care ?

It wanted to go back, it wanted to reminisce its past,

That’s impossible, the worldly code was overwhelmingly vast.

It only prayed for a good friend,

The loneliness was slowly getting to it, happiness is now getting tough for it to pretend.

A pain that stays…forever!

A pain that that kills,

A guilt that grills,

A feeling that pierces through,

An emotion that no one ever knew.

Was it a mistake or was it a sacrifice,

Was it a virtue or was it a vice ,

Without any clue here I am paying the price,

Writhing alone in this painful paradise.

I wish I could change all of this,

I wish I could restore the happiness, restore the bliss,

I wish I could seek light from this never ending abyss,

I wish I could just relive and reminisce.

 

My Dad, My Hero!

He held my hand, he made me walk,

He taught me words and made me talk.

He was an angel, a hero in disguise

He showed me life, he made me wise.

 

He made he happy, he made me smile,

He never rated anything more and for that he walked that extra mile.

He never asked anything back from me,

He was unconditional, his love was always free.

 

He was hurting inside, he didn’t want me to leave,

He just bore a fake smile, he didn’t want me to grieve.

He couldn’t walk away, he couldn’t let me go,

He controlled himself, he never let anything show

 

He couldn’t stay like this, he couldn’t sleep at night,

He was waiting for my return, he kept praying to God to allow him my sight.

He wanted to talk to me, he hesitated to call,

He didn’t want to disturb, he continued to wrawl.

 

He never knew that I was coming back,

He was still waiting for me, unaware of my track.

He then saw me at his door, he suddenly froze,

He had tears in his eyes, all his lost spirits now arose.

 

He came running, he hugged me tight,

His wailing heart was now happy, he never again wanted to let me go not even slight .

He never knew my love for him, he never asked me for it,

He still always loved me and that’s how it seemed him fit.

He is my dad!

PS: If you are reading this please take a moment of your life to reflect upon everything that your parents have sacrificed for your happiness. No love is more purer that the love shown by your parents towards you and to acknowledge that is the least that we can do.

A lost addiction..

Its been ages that I have sat down to write ,

The dearest hobby that I had which made my every scary night very bright.

Each and every day I try to set the things right ,

But never found any solace ,not even slight.

What should I do to get my courage back,

Did I still have it in me to write and get back on track ?

Each and every second now started making a violent whack ,

Oh god, please spare me some light for the night is awfully black.

“Just stay calm!” ordered my aching heart,

That’s right I thought, thinking too much would only tear me apart,

All I needed was to get a proper start,

For, my rage never dies neither does my art.

My heart has now agreed to sign a pact,

That only if I write , it shall hold me intact,

Now my fears slowly started loosing their impact,

Oh god  just let me write, I have already lost in love and you have nothing left  in me to detract.