What do you want ?


Moments of loneliness are good. Nah, they are great. They give you time to look deep into yourself and stare into that deep oblivion where your real self is hiding against the pressures of the society and its people. So in this episode of my loneliness I asked myself  “What do I want ? Is it money ? Nah! Is it women ? Never! Is it fame? Maybe a bit. But what do I really want ? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!”

I really wonder if anyone really does. I see people putting up their smiling faces, partying hard, dating , breaking up and what not. But, I bet most of these people witness a void for at least a few seconds before they go to sleep everyday ( PS: Mine’s a void the entire day – a story for some other time). If you ask someone about what they really want, most of them come up with some random sarcastic answer and then brush the question away. Again, I strongly believe its only the fear of not knowing (or knowing something bad) that makes them avoid such questions. Some say life is a pursuit of happiness. But, whats the point in living if you cant realize absolute happiness while you live. The point here is if this pursuit of yours has no end, then it only means that you cannot get what you want in your lifetime! So, in this perspective of “life is a pursuit of happiness” you know what you want, but its very likely that you will never get it. How sad! What if its something like, you can never really achieve absolute happiness but can only realize happiness in bits and pieces. Now, my line of work(employment) is complicated. Lots of research, analysis and insights. But even though I crack tough challenges everyday I still face that void within me. I had a serious medical condition lately which I realized after I puked blood! I had a tube stuck into my stomach for endoscopy, killed the virus in my stomach, got cured in my lone battle ( I never informed all this to anyone). When the doctor said that I was cured, its a momentary relief. But, I am still battling with this huge void. So even when you  battle your way through life and death and win, its still nothing near to realizing what you want in life.

Had I had something to hold on to, would that something be what I really wanted ? Hmm, maybe! But, now there is nothing that I hold on to or look forward for either. What now ? What else can I possibly want ? To love ? No. To be loved ? Argghh I don’t know. I will never know.  Maybe some day some one will give me an answer. Maybe I will never know the answer. Maybe a drink is all we need to forget asking our selves about what we want..!

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The Voodoo Doll of Loneliness



It follows me everywhere,

Through the day and night.

Its devlish smirks all over the air,

Triggering an anxiety and a ghastly fright.

 

It never ceases to overwhelm,

It never ceases to stand down.

Even the smallest moments of elation,

Are ripped apart and yes I begin to drown.

 

Forgive me oh dear lord,

I know I have sinned.

Years of plodding in the desert of penance,

I’m already half torn, already skinned.

 

Yet, you still seek my retribution,

But why don’t you for once call a truce?

Didn’t you ever hear about absolution?

Oh for once let me unloose.

 

You threw me away miles away from my home,

Yet, your revenge plot never comes to an end.

So how much more should I aimlessly roam?

I am fed up, the pain made my heart distend.

 

I have now understood that It shall never leave me,

And thus I gave it a name.

‘The voodoo doll of loneliness’, shall never let me free,

For I am the only pawn in thee game.

The Poltroon!


 

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I wake up everyday for a new beginning,

Yet I end up sleeping afore the same dead end.

I wish I could regain my lost happiness,

Yet all I can do is to only pretend.

 

With all the unattended sorrows in my heart,

With my soul plowed wide open by a gut wrenching pain,

Each and every moment seems a fey challenge,

Yet, all I can do is to only weep within, I can’t even complain!

 

I writhe in this agony, I want to scream,

So I let out my hand to someone.

Nah! I now realize I am alone in this sordid battle,

All I can do is to just build my rage and run!

 

I search for an excuse to let out my tears,

I juts remembered my eyes have dried out, Oh its been years!

Overwhelmed, I realized I have even forgotten to breathe,

I loose myself completely, both my body and its beneath.

 

Oh please lift me out of this mess,

I need to live my life again.

I want to smile and feel happy for once,

Nah! Once again all my pleas go in vain.

 

And again, I wake up everyday for a new beginning,

Yet I end up sleeping afore the same dead end.

I wish I could regain my lost happiness,

Yet all I can do is to only pretend.

 

Note: Image Source: Google Images.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whatever happens, happens for the best!


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Every day in and every day out,

You are here to fight your own life’s bout.

Every day in and every day out,

You get scarred so bad, you can’t even shout.

 

A deadly suffering followed by a raging pain,

Overwhelm your heart, not once but everyday again.

Now, what even can you do about it ?

Can you overcome it and get out of this pit ?

 

Maybe a yup or maybe a nope,

Remember one magical word, Oh its called Hope.

Maybe today or maybe the day after,

There shall definitely be a day, where you can rejoice your laughter.

 

People come and people go away,

Its only you in the end, the hero of your life’s very own play.

How much ever you suffer or how much ever you are stressed,

Just remember ” Whatever happens, happens for the best. “

 

Life is sometimes bad. In fact, it may always be bad. For every step that you make, some invisible force shall always be there pulling you a hundred steps backward. Its all about how much you can bear that pull and gather the courage to make a new step once again. Learning from those experiences and making them count is the only way through which you can add value to your life. Be good to yourself, be good to others and there shall definitely be a day when you shall find the meaning for your life. Peace!

The Man in the Sea..


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He was a helpless man drifting in the seas,

Thriving on ‘hope’ , to see the land and its trees.

Without any food nor any sleep,

All he could do was to sit down and weep.

Continue reading “The Man in the Sea..”

The Swollen Vocal Chords


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48 hours. It has been 48 effing hours that I spoke two full sentences. The problem – swollen vocal cords. I cannot utter a single word without going hoarse in the end. And what caused the problem ? Throat infection and of course my very bad drinking habits.

Absolute voice rest was suggested by my doctor and also a strict caution that I might loose my voice if I didn’t do so. But these 48 hours have been the most treacherous and yet at the same time the most well spent time that I had in a long time. 48 hours of self introspection, learning and of course with a few daily dosages of writhing pain deep in the heart ( not another medical condition though ).

Continue reading “The Swollen Vocal Chords”

The Fearful Fate..


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It has been a rough past few years,

In a pursuit, to overcome all my fears.

Those fears which shook me awake from my sleep,

And the very fears which made me secretly weep.

Yet, they still seem to overwhelm me,

Maybe they ‘LOVE’ me so much to let me free.

Ah, the word – ‘LOVE’ , now I know the reason,

This was always about that very treason.

A treason, that left them heart broken,

A treason that left them clueless and unspoken.

But, did anyone ask how did I feel committing it ?

Oh please do, for it was for your own good that I fell in that infernal pit.

Each day, I put on a very tight veil,

A veil that portrays happiness and masks my wail.

This veil again is a reminder of my fears,

Oh no, if it breaks loose it’ll expose all my tears.

I wish I could live with at least a wee bit of glee,

For a few moments to be fearless and free.

I wish there comes a day in my life,

Where I can sing an end to this internal strife.

Oh, I shall wait,

However long it might be, for I know that’s my unavoidable fate.