People are beautiful..!


The amount of goodness in the world never ceases to amaze me. I’ve been binge watching a string of documentaries on Netflix. Documentaries on people’s passion for food, on how a little boy harnessed the electricity out of wind in the ruins of Africa, on how stoic heroism of few people has helped the human civilization evolve and many many more genres. One striking learning that I’ve received from all of this is that PEOPLE ARE BEAUTIFUL!

Everyone has a story to tell, everyone had a story which made them what they are today and everyone wants to create their own story for tomorrow. Now, we are in a society in which everyone is a judge of every other person around them. That is alright! It’s just a perspective. But, what’s not right is to judge a person without knowing what they have been through and what they actually are made of. Why can’t people take a pause, make a conversation and then judge the person based on facts and figures. I very well believe that this makes our environment much more pleasant that what it is.

People generally blast off sporting personalities for not living up to their expectations. Come on! you are mere audience and they are where they are because of a lot of hard work that they’ve put in. I’m no hero. I was un-apologetically trolling few athletes whenever they didn’t perform for a long time. But, I’ve changed. Changed after I got to know more about them and what kind of hardship, meticulous grit and courage they had to  put in to reach where they are. They play, they win and the fail. Yes, they are supposed to do so, not just because they are sportsmen/women but more importantly they are human too!

If an adult is out of job, if a woman is not married, if an adult male doesn’t know how to drive, why the fuck is it a point of gossip for people! If you can help them then please do. If you cannot then move along, You don’t get even an iota of a right to judge them and label them to be unfit for this society. I bet, the moment anyone does that they themselves become unfit, not only for the society but to be a human too! If you being a human can’t understand the pain and story of your fellow human, you can just move to mars and wait for the imaginary perfect martians to give you company.

We need to start appreciating the beauty around us. As long as a person doesn’t willingly hurt anyone, we should always consider the fact that this person is righteous, this person has a story and this person could be my friend. Let’s make this world a better place!

 

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The special day..


Today is special. Special because it marks an end to the quest of something unachievable in my life. It also marks a new start to that something unacheivable too. So, let me tell you how I’ve celebrated this special day.

I woke up at 7:00 AM in the morning, just after a 3 hour sleep. I quickly changed into my tracks and went for a jog – just like everyday. But, today was special. How could I just jog ? So I ran. I ran so fast that I forgot to breathe for sometime. I ran so fast that, my heart was tearing apart, lungs were running out of life and my body sweating with all the alcohol I drank until 3 hours before this. Yet, I ran. I ran until I felt dizzy. Until I was just about to collapse. Then I stopped. It was only because I reached the lakeside nearby. With tears rolling down, I walked closer to the lake. I looked over the horizon, only to look back into all those beautiful memories that I made. Memories so beautiful, that I had to let out a slight chuckle even when my body was all sweating and my heart pounding incessantly. A truck’s horn brought me back into the real world. My real world. A world which is now completely void of any happiness. A world which is open to only a select few, who still had no clue of where I live within it. Now this transition from those memories to the reality was harsh. My heart rate increased, not because of the running, but because of all the pain the real world brought onto me. My tears now didn’t even take a break. This quest of mine that I told you about in the beginning is about to end today. I had to accept that it has to end today. I tried to cry all of this down. Nah I couldn’t. I just hoped this quest of mine won’t bother me once again. But, deep down within I knew I can never overcome this. Now, what else is left of me ? I drink almost everyday, I cannot smile heartily anymore, I am devoid of all the happiness and I am alone. I know I cannot ever be successful in my quest from now on, yet I can only merely TRY to end it, but I know I cannot.

All the lies I’ve told. All the emotions I’ve withheld and all the pain that I’ve caused will end today. But, I know those beautiful memories will always come and haunt me everyday. I hope I can shelter my heart away from all this. I hope I can hold on to some reverie that will help me cope. I don’t know what to write anymore. I don’t know if I’ll write anymore. Only thing I know is a world full of pain, suffering and loneliness that only I live in. I wish my something unachievable can forgive me for giving up. I wish it will understand my pain someday. I wish..

I wish..


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I am bleeding,

From within,

I am dying,

Everyday.

I am withering,

From this devilish pain.

I am crying,

Until I’m out of tears.

I am drinking,

To forget everything.

I’m tired,

Of all this fighting.

I am alone,

Today and tomorrow.

I want to talk,

Right here right now.

I know I can’t,

Oh, no one wants to listen.

I wish it were any different,

But, nope its my life’s definition.

I wish I were happy,

Never mind, no one cares.

I wish some one will hold my hand,

None to be found anywhere.

I wish I was never born,

Now, I can’t even die.

I wish I didn’t drink too much,

Wonder if my liver is fried.

I wish I didn’t write this,

Gosh, no one will even read.

I wish I had no more wishes,

Nah, that’s only that’s left of me.

I wish this bottle was never empty,

Hell, no I need much more and plenty.

The Coward..


I’ve given myself a new name today. Mr. Coward. A name which was always written on my forehead. A name which described the most private and the most obscure part of myself. For all the lies I’ve told and for all the promises that I’ve broken, if there is one word that describes me the most. I’d say Mr. Coward is the best of the best.

What do you do when you have something precious in your hands; ‘something’ so very precious that normally takes years of struggle and sacrifice to have ? You treasure it! You try to save it with all the might that you have. You nurture it like its your very own part of your body and soul. I had ‘something’ like that. ‘Something’ that I confided in. ‘Something’ which I gave all my heart to in my submission. Now, a normal person would try his best to hang on to this ‘something’. Forever. He would try in all his capacity to not let anyone or anything hurt that ‘something’ even in his dream. That’s not me. That’s only for a normal person. But, for a man who has lived his life in obscurity, for a man who always kept an infinite spectrum of his emotions to himself, this is not the same. When a heart becomes a locker for too many hidden things which were never brought out, it slowly looses it capacity to withhold anything new in it. You feel weak. You feel petrified even to entertain something to enter that heart. Yet, I gave the ‘something’ a chance. This ‘something’ was something that I had always yearned for. A hand to hold on to. A dream worth living for. And I must say, as much as a stone hearted ass I was, the ‘something’ dug its way into this stone. It spread to every corner of the stone. It literally kicked out all the memories of pain into their own perdition. Ecstasy ruled over me. I was happy. The old memories of pain though they left my heart, I knew, somewhere they were waiting to make their way in. Now, they are strong aren’t they. Not days or months, they were etched onto me for nearly 20 years of my life. They were strong enough to paralyze my heart temporarily to let themselves in. And thus began the memories’ quest for revenge. They took a new form of emotion. Namely the ‘Cowardice’. The new form, a baby, made its little steps into my heart. It stayed there feeding on the tons of happiness my little ‘something’ brought on to me. This cowardice being a parasite that it is, took away my ‘something’ before I could even realize it fully. It sucked the life out of me and my ‘something’. It grew fast. Like a fat, big and dangerous monster. It said , ‘ Hey you! you don’t deserve all this! you’ll loose it all someday’. Nah, this was just a panic attack. At least this was what I had thought it to be. I was wrong. This cowardice, the child of the freckled memories of my past took over my heart. It was ruling me so harshly, that it threatened me each and everyday of my life since it grew of age. It constantly rang ‘ you don’t deserve this, you suck!’. It made me lie. It made me break all my promises. It said run away from all this. It said, you fear the commitment. It said you’ll hurt everyone you love. Oh, it was all very overwhelming. So overwhelming, that I lost myself while all this was happening. I grew weak in my spine. I grew weak in my knees. I grew weak in my will to hang on to my ‘something’. I grew weak to be me. I left it out. I succumbed to my cowardice. I told myself that I am not fit for anything. I told myself that I cannot commit anything to anyone. So I ran. I ran away so far that no one can find me. I ran so hard that my pain in my legs overshadowed the pain in my heart. My cowardice made me run away from my promises. My cowardice changed my life into a living hell. Let me tell you something, even while I’m typing this, my cowardice is still dictating what all should I write, for there is so much that I’ve hidden from the people that I love that, revealing all of it now will hurt them more (Says my cowardice, not me! aye aye master).

Now I’m a no one. A man without anything to hold on to. A man with no purpose. A man depressed, repressed and sullen! A man who cannot promise anymore. A man who can never involve himself in any commitment. A man who is afraid even to make a new friend. A man who has his own world of emotions that will never see light. A man who has succumbed to vices. A man called, ‘The Coward’.

If the poorest man in the world is someone who doesn’t have anyone to whom he can bare his soul to, then I am that poorest man of the world. And bottoms up..!

A disease called overthinking..


Does having a kind heart make you weak ? It certainly seems so. I’ve always been a person who overthinks a lot even for doing the minutest of the minute chores that we all do in our routine. But, let me tell you this overthinking is definitely not about how I will be impacted with anything that I do but its about how I might effect the others around me after I do it. This overthinking has forced me to make few sacrifices that I am not proud of. This overthinking often makes me do things that I don’t want to do a majority of times. Let me tell you that this is sometimes fucking hard. To restrict yourself from something that I want with all your heart for someone else’s happiness is no ordinary thing. Yet I do it, and this is just because I am built that way. Now, with all this going around, its at least humane that others share a tiny bit of your principles and understand why you do what you do. Even if people don’t appreciate what I am doing, its very basic for it to not make any statements that hurt me. But, nah! the world is pretty dumb in understanding what I do. It keeps hurling these sharp edged knives at me that constantly keep on hurting until I have bled that pain’s worth out. All these years, I’ve always thought that, the world may do this to me but maybe it does not mean any offence at all. As I’ve already mentioned in the start that I overthink a lot, may be this overthinking is a disease that the world is free of. Maybe its me that should learn from the world and not the other way around. I don’t know. I try to learn but I can by no means live that carefree and joyful life that others are living. I know I’m depressed, I know I am a loner yet I am a good person. Why should the world be that the way it is ? Why should it constantly keep pricking me with its deeds ? Should I change? Or will the world change ? Am I wrong or am I right ? Am I drunk ? Yes! But, booze is what that helps me think ? Err, overthink! I sometimes imagine how I’d be if I was like the rest if them ? How differently my life would have shaped up had I not made those sacrifices? Maybe I would have been happier ? But, maybe this happiness would have been at the expense of others’ pain. I don’t know. And bottoms up…

Set me free..


Why have I become like this ?

Sullen, depressed and devoid of any bliss!

All I do is drink and cry,

Always wondering if these eyes ever dry.

Oh, what did I even do ?

To get repeatedly mauled black and blue.

Ah, my mind is numb, I can’t even write,

My heavy heart is aching under this twisting writhe.

Fighting alone in this lonely battle,

I am bruised very bad, my ears just prattle.

Oh, don’t do this to me ?

O’ life listen to me, set me free.

Please, I am done with fighting with you,

What can I do to start afresh and new ?

With each day becoming very very dark,

I just don’t know what to do, there is no way I can disembark.

Come and get me,

O’life please just set me free.

 

Do you still call me a house?


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Do you still call me a house ? 

I sure resemble like one.

I have the foundation and I have the shape.

I surely stand up strong and straight.

Yet, something is still missing.

Is it the roof ?

Oh yes, its destroyed.

Is it the walls ?

Indeed, they are hollow.

How about the windows ?

Phew! are you kidding me!

Each day I am scorched by the sun,

Some days I am drenched by the rain.

And on some, the wind seems to be harsh.

But, every day I am overwhelmed by my best buddy.

My pain.

My pain, to stand there just alone.

My pain, of living a purposeless life.

My pain, to not be able to shelter anyone.

My pain, to never give anyone a wee bit of happiness.

Yet, I have to stand.

I really don’t know why.

Maybe, I was destined to.

Maybe, I am forced to.

But, do I want to ?

I don’t know. 

Nevertheless, I am still a house.

I shall stand.

In a hope that someone would build those walls.

In a hope that my roof will be fixed.

But, deep inside, I know that I can never be a house.